


a beautiful confusion

by jaehyn



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Violence, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Murder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-03-13 13:42:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13571751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaehyn/pseuds/jaehyn
Summary: ❝never quite sure about his placementor where he's been in this pink worldor why nothing ever made senseso confusing...❞orten's responsible for a murder and johnny doesn't know why he's so infatuated with a killer.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> a tw will be added before a chapter if needed.
> 
>  
> 
> tw: mentioned abuse & blood

_“fuck...we have to get out of here.” ten muttered as he dropped the knife with a shaky hand._

_“where are we gonna go, ten?” his sister asked, just as afraid and shaken up as ten was._

_“i don’t know but we have to leave...”_

* * *

 

“tern, look, we can’t look suspicious, okay?” the thai boy whispered to his little sister.  
she nodded and she wanted to cry at the moment but she wanted to show her big brother that she’s not weak.

“eat your food, we have to leave here in like 10 minutes.” ten checked the time on his phone.  
“then we need to get a ride from yuta.”

“can we tell him?”

“he already knows.” ten answered abruptly, picking up a fry and then putting it back down. he was too sick to eat.

“fuck, i left my charger at home.” tern muttered.

“it’s in my bag.” ten said.

“thank you.” she exhaled sharply before proceeding to eat her food.  
they were almost oddly calm and ten didn’t want to show his fear in order to keep his little sister calm. she needs protection and assurance at the moment.

“how long do we stay at yuta’s?” she asked.

“he said as long as we want. it wouldn’t hurt to give him company in his massive apartment.” ten chuckled a little then cleared his throat.  
luckily yuta, ten’s coworker is a university student with his own apartment.

“i’m so scared.” tern sighed. “what could happen to us?”

“nothing, tern. if we just...keep our mouths shut nothing will happen.”

“god i hate this.” she muttered.

“i do too, tern. but we just have to make sure we stay quiet and we have to look out for each other. soon, claire will get there and she’ll find him and she’ll call us first. tell her you’re sleeping over at your boyfriend’s place and if she calls me, i’ll just say i’m at yuta’s for the night, okay?”

tern nodded.

———

“you don’t seem like a smoothie guy, yuta.” tern laughed as she watched yuta make a smoothie. after being at yuta’s place for almost a few hours, ten and tern were less tense and afraid and decided that what they did was best for them and if they hadn’t have done it, they could be in a lot of danger.

“very funny.” yuta rolled his eyes playfully. “i’m actually making this for ten.”

“when are your soccer buddies coming over?” ten asked, his attention focused on the TV screen as he waited for the game to load.

“in a few minutes.” yuta handed ten the smoothie and sat beside him.

“is mark coming?” tern asked, sitting on the couch across from them and taking out her phone.

“yeah he wasn’t going to but i asked him to so he can keep you company. i wish i had a straight girl best friend in high school.” yuta chuckled.

"wow do you guys forget that i'm actually bisexual?" tern rolled her eyes.

ten covered his mouth so tern couldn't see him before whispering,"she's straight...extremely straight." to yuta.

ten's thoughts suddenly wandered to the thoughts of the homicide that occurred not even 4 hours ago. the thoughts of the lifeless, bloody body falling limp onto the ground fogged his mind and he let out a sharp gasp without even realizing. he looked at his sister who carelessly scrolled through her phone. how does she just...live after knowing what she did? ten is supposed to be the responsible older brother but he knows this won't be possible.

everything was suddenly louder and there were more bodies in the room, yuta was at the front door greeting everyone as they walked in.

4 people joined them in the large living room of the apartment.

"hansol and i are gonna go to my room real quick to...talk..." yuta informed. everything was happening so fast ten just nodded. he watched yuta drag a tall blonde haired man into his room with him and he looked around to see the 3 others scattered around the living room. ten only knew mark and the other two were strangers. there was a tall brown haired boy and a blonde.

ten watched mark and tern take turns to play some game on her phone, envying how composed she seemed. without realizing, 15 minutes passed and the two mysterious boys took over the ps4. yuta and hansol were still in the room and mark and tern were in the kitchen gossiping while making pancakes.

"dude are you okay? you've been frozen like that for a while...are you a robot?" the blonde asked. ten looked over at him and noticed the amused looks on the two boys' faces.

"uh, yeah...just haven't rested all day..." ten chuckled nervously.

"you look like you need this," the taller extended his hand which contained a half smoked blunt.

"oh, uh, no thanks i'm good..." ten declined. in normal circumstances he would've probably accepted it but now, it'd fuck him up even more. "so what are you guys playing?"

"fortnite." the brown haired boy said before passing the blunt to his friend.  
"you and yuta have been friends for a while, right?" he asked, focused on the screen.

"yeah," ten nodded. "we've worked together for almost two years now." he felt himself calming a little.

"ah, he's mentioned you quite a few times, you're ten, right?"

ten nodded again. "you guys are on the same soccer team?"

"well, at the moment i'm training with them, i'm still a high school student but i got accepted into the university yuta goes to so i've been training with the team."

"oh," ten said.

"i'm johnny by the way, this is jaehyun."

"i'm trying to focus," jaehyun said abruptly.

"mark! you fatass save some syrup for me!" tern shouted from the kitchen.

"so how does mark train with the team if he's only a sophomore in high school?" ten furrowed his eyebrows.

"through some elite program," johnny shrugged.

"do you go to the high school here? i've never seen you." ten was now almost fully comfortable and something about johnny just added onto his comfort, maybe because of his seemingly laid back personality.

"i go to a private school," the brown haired boy said. "don't worry, i'm not stuck up and snobby."

ten giggled a little.

yuta and hansol walked into the living room hand in hand as they tripped over each other's feet while they held each other.

"are you guys drunk?" jaehyun furrowed his eyebrows.

"no," hansol laughed goofily.

"great they're high." ten muttered. it's like he's the only sober person in the house — besides tern and mark.

"i'm starving! when will you feed us." johnny said dramatically.

"we ordered pizza a few minutes ago," yuta said as he pulled hansol on the couch with him.

ten sighed before standing up. "i'm gonna use the toilet, i'll be right back." he walked through the messy living room that was mostly just filled with random things like books and shoes.

as soon as he stepped into the bathroom he shut the door and locked it quickly. he stared into mirror and examined the heavy bags under his eyes. he looked exhausted and when scanning the rest of his face, he turned away from the mirror. he can't look at himself. he's a murderer. he put the toilet seat cover down before plopping down on it. god, this can't be real. he murdered someone. a person who was once breathing and living is now cold and dead.

"fuck," ten gripped his hair in his hands trying to control the sobs that would inevitably come out. "fuck, i'm a murderer." he cried. he slammed his fist on the sink and let out a loud yelp in pain, followed by ear deafening sobs.

there was a knock on the bathroom door and ten immediately wiped his face before shouting,"i-i'm in the bathroom."

"ten, are you okay?" he heard johnny's voice. great, a person he just met heard him cry.

"leave me alone, please," ten wanted to cry again. "please go away."

"ten, let me in. i'm not leaving until you let me in. talk to me, it helps to just let it all out. talk to me." johnny pressed.

ten knew johnny wouldn't give up so he stood up and unlocked the door. johnny immediately opened it and seeing the teary eyed red cheeked boy standing in front of him broke his heart.

"you can laugh, it's okay," ten sniffed.

"no, i'm not gonna laugh, ten." johnny sighed. he stepped into the bathroom and shut the door. "what's wrong?"

"it's really nothing...i just-," ten was engulfed with the overwhelming thoughts of the bloody knife dropping to the floor by his feet and then seeing the body fall lifelessly on the floor. he found himself sobbing again but this time a warm pair of arms were wrapped around his body and he let his head rest on the tall boy's shoulder.

"you should really rest," johnny whispered softly. "are you hungry?"

ten shook his head and felt johnny pull him closer to him and hold him tighter. this was all ten wanted suddenly. he just needed someone hug him at the moment and johnny was a stranger but something about him just comforted ten so much.

"c'mon," johnny sighed. he helped ten as they walked out of the bathroom and he took ten to yuta's spare room. "you should really rest, you look tired."

he helped ten climb into the bed. "thank you," ten wiped his eyes. "can you...stay here with me if you don't mind?"

"yes, of course," the tall boy smiled warmly. he sat at the end of the bed and watched turn to his side and pull the blanket to his shoulders. he wanted to ask ten what he was crying about. "so how long are you and your sister staying here? yuta told us you'd be staying here for a while."

"i don't know," ten shrugged. he stared at the window across the room.

"your parents are cool with you guys staying here?"

ten gulped. he nodded and cleared his throat as he silently choked on his own spit.

"it's like you guys are hiding out," johnny chuckled. "so what'd you do? murder someone?" he joked.

ten's eyes widened. he sat up and froze, staring johnny who stared back in confusion. it was awkwardly silent and ten didn't want his body language to give anything away.

"what did yuta tell you?" ten grew paranoid.

"oh god..." johnny whispered. "you can't be fucking serious are you- are you- did you actually-"

"johnny," ten sat on his knees and grabbed johnny's shoulder. "please, please don't-"

johnny pushed ten away from him and froze in fear. "this is a fucking joke...you have to be joking..." he breathed heavily. 

"johnny, you can't- y-you can't tell anyone, p-please johnny..." ten cried. "it was out of defense, m-me and my sister were in danger. w-we were gonna get killed if we didn't d-do anything. please, johnny, stay," he stammered as he tried to reach for johnny, only to be pushed away every time.

"ten..." johnny muttered. "you murdered someone, you killed a person..." this couldn't be real. what are the odds of encountering a murderer? 

"johnny!" ten screamed. "i'm begging you to please, please, p-please just...stay with me, please. i-i need someone right now...please don't be afraid of me."

there was a short silence and johnny was deciding whether or not he should trust ten. half of him can't even believe someone like ten, the angel like curious teen he met just moments ago would murder someone. there's a reason behind everything though and ten seems so broken to the point where johnny just wants to embrace him forever and protect him from the universe.

"johnny please say something," ten whispered.

"what a bad first impression." johnny chuckled, trying to bring light to the situation.

ten sighed in relief, loosening up as he sat back down.

"so why'd you do it?" johnny asked.

"i had no choice."

_______

"johnny's nice." ten smiled as he sipped from his coffee.

"i knew you'd like him," yuta said.

"i don't have a crush on him or anything but he's really sweet, he helped me last night and he even stayed with me after i told him everything." ten explained.

"ten you said we can't just go around telling people," tern rolled her eyes.

"yeah but, i trust johnny."

"unbelievable," the girl scoffed. "so you're doing that thing where you put some random guy you have feelings for before everything and everyone else because you think you can trust him. that's the shit dad does with his girlfriends." she folded her arms over her chest.

"chill out, he's really nice. he's not like-"

"the other guys," tern finished ten's sentence. "you're so stupid sometimes ten. it's like you want to be in a one sided relationship over and over again."

"says the girl whose boyfriend cheated on her and she still forgives him." ten stood up to leave the kitchen.

"at least i don't let guys take advantage of me and use me. you let your last boyfriend hit you, ten."

ten's eyes widened and he was in full shock with what his little sister said to him. he never thought she'd bring that up. "fuck you, i had no way of getting out of that relationship. you can be such a bitch sometimes."

"whoa, okay guys, you both have and had shitty relationships, okay. just don't chew each other's heads off." yuta mediated. "tern you shouldn't have brought up ten's ex..."

"yeah well ten shouldn't tell some random guy that we killed someone. as soon as they have sex, the dude is just gonna leave him anyway." the dark haired girl rolled her eyes for what seemed the millionth time. "you have a bad taste in guys."

"tern, your boyfriend fucking cheated on you, you literally forgive him for every mistake he makes."

yuta saw that he clearly didn't stop their argument and they were both completely angry at each other now.

"whatever, i just hope you realize that you're making a huge mistake and this johnny dude that you barely know can tell anyone about what happened." with that, tern left the kitchen.

ten sat back down next to yuta and crossed his legs and folded his arms over his chest.  
"i feel like i can trust johnny." ten told yuta. "when i started dating my ex i felt this weird thing in me that told me he was fucked and it turns out he was. but johnny...johnny feels sweet and warm. i don't like him or anything but i can confide in him. i feel like i can confide in him." ten explained.

"it's okay, ten. i get it. you don't have to explain. tern's just really worked up and she's upset which is understandable. you should really apologize for calling her a bitch that wasn't cool at all." yuta said. "she also needs to apologize for mentioning your ex."

ten nodded.

after everything at the moment seemed under control, yuta proceeded to get ready for his morning class.

"are you sure you guys will be okay here for a few hours? i'll have someone come over if you need to."

"have johnny and jaehyun come over!" ten exclaimed.

"no, we're fine." tern said. "we'll lock up and everything."

"okay, please just be cautious, okay?"

ten and tern nodded.

"i'll be back in a few hours, i'll bring lunch."

"okay, thank you so much." ten smiled. "bye." he waved as yuta left the apartment. great, now ten has nothing to keep him distracted from his thoughts that just sneak up on him every now and then. he can't express his fear to tern, he wants to stay stable for her.

"i'm sorry," ten mumbled as he locked the door.

"it's okay, i'm sorry too. i was just really pissed...i hope you're not too mad at me so we can play something on the ps4."

"fine, i'll even use the crappy controller."

"wow, you're such a generous brother." tern grinned as she grabbed the new controller.

for a moment they forgot about the murder. they forgot about everything. but they have no idea how worse it'll get from here.

\------

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

"cigarettes?..." ten muttered as he watched jaehyun open a pack of Marlboros. his expression showed the amount of disgust he held in him, making johnny chuckle.

"yeah, they're a bit soothing i guess." jaehyun sighed, putting the pack back in his hoodie pocket and grabbing a lighter from his jeans pocket. he lit the cigarette, covering the flame so the wind wouldn't let it out and he took a long drag, sighing deeply as he let it fill his lungs. ten sat back in the chair and looked over at johnny who was typing something in his phone. he looked so calm and peaceful and ten longed for those emotions. he looked up at the once blue sky that was now transitioning to an indescribably beautiful orange accompanied by different shades of pinks and even dark oranges that passed as brown.

ten looked at johnny again. he can't believe he confided in him the first night he met him. but then again, he was emotionally vulnerable and he just needed to let it out. johnny set his phone on the table and started messing with the umbrella pole that stood in the middle of it.

his brown hair fell over his face nicely and he was just as calm and sweet as he looks which is rare in most guys ten meets; except for hansol. the three sat silently on the wooden balcony outside of yuta's guest room. they've been out for hours. talking, laughing, telling stories, and just anything they could think of. but ten couldn't stop thinking about how he's going to protect his little sister. he can't just keep her trapped inside of yuta's place all day, he can't stay in there all day either but it's all they have right now.

"if you could have one superpower, what would it be?" jaehyun asked before putting the cigarette between his lips. ten didn't want to admit that the smell of the cigarette was making him light headed.

"to teleport probably," johnny answered. "i could get out of crappy new jersey and live somewhere else. wait but then i'd be homeless since i'll need money to buy a place to live so i'll probably have to get a job and work for a really long time to save up a fuck ton of money for rent..." he thought out loud, sitting back in his seat and stretching his leg. ten felt his foot on his under the table and he slightly moved his leg. "so yeah scratch that i would like to read people's minds." johnny decided.  
he started tapping his foot against ten's without even knowing until the short boy giggled and drew his foot back. "sorry," johnny smiled.

"you're so indecisive," jaehyun let out an abrupt laugh through his nose before taking the cigarette out of his mouth and toying with it. "i'd probably want to be able to fly." he answered his own question simply. "what about you ten?" the attention was on ten now, who was sitting back in the chair, tapping his fingers on the table.

"i don't know," ten shrugged. "it'd be cool to have some time traveling device embedded into my brain or something, like a chip that has a remote control and i can just go to any time i want to after thinking about it. but of course i'd have to confirm that i want to go to that time period with my remote control. it wouldn't pick up nostalgic feelings, only feelings of really wanting to actually physically be somewhere." he explained.

  
"so it'd be dependent on your memories?" johnny asked, furthering ten's imagination.

"yeah, like the chip could go somewhere in the part of your brain that deals mostly with memory."

"well there are more than just one part of your brain that deals with memory, ten," johnny smiled.

"which i obviously knew," the short boy retorted. he gave johnny a goofy look before bursting out in laughter.

"wow, it's like i'm reliving an episode of black mirror, specifically at a part where the two antagonists are talking about some weird brain device that ends up malfunctioning at the turning point of the episode," jaehyun scoffed.

"yeah well my superpower is the ability to go back in time." ten put in simple terms.

"it's a very cute superpower." johnny said teasingly.

"don't patronize me." ten folded his arms over his chest.

jaehyun checked his phone and sighed as he typed something and set it on the table. he wanted to be annoyed by the message he got from his boyfriend but he couldn't, regardless of how needy taeyong can be.

"you gotta go?" johnny asked, watching jaehyun pushing his chair away from the table.

"yeah, taeyong really wants me home because the sky made him think of me." jaehyun pocketed his phone and stomped out his barely smoked cigarette.

"i'll see you two later," jaehyun waved. "bye." he smiled. "oh and johnny, i'll tell taeyong you said hi."

"please, it's fine," johnny scratched his forehead.

"i'm sure he'd love to hear a hi from you." jaehyun smirked, sliding the door open. he waved again before stepping into the house and shutting the door and the curtains.

"do you not like taeyong?" ten asked when jaehyun left.

"no," johnny sighed. "as in no i don't not like him."

"then why-"

before ten could ask his question, johnny already had the answer,"i had a threesome with jaehyun and taeyong a couple weeks ago."

"oh my god!" ten gasped followed by loud laughing. "a threesome with him and his boyfriend?"

"taeyong is into interesting things," johnny cleared his throat. "the thing he wanted jaheyun to do needed two people and i was just in that mood when i was over at their place so it happened out of nowhere."

"johnny, jaehyun's like 20, you're still a senior in high school."

"i'm 18 and jaehyun's 19." johnny corrected.

"ohh," ten said.

"yeah. it was really fun."

"please, i don't need details," ten giggled.

after this, silence fell over them and the sun had almost completely gone down. ten picked at his long finger nails for a moment, trying to think of something to say. he didn't want to mention the murder. johnny would only ask more questions and ten would probably have to explain the reasoning and probably the whole entire back story of just everything about the victim.

"i can't stop thinking about it, ten." johnny suddenly said. "don't worry, i haven't told anyone...i just can't imagine why or how someone like you did that."

"yeah, i know," ten sighed. he wanted to avoid having this conversation but of course it just crept up on him. he shifted uncomfortably and exhaled sharply.

"i'm sorry." johnny muttered.

"it's fine...i've been having a really hard time trying to get it out of my mind," ten stared at the streetlights that he didn't even notice come on.

"you've seemed calm about it...i'm surprise i'm even calm..." johnny sighed deeply. he immediately regretted pressing guilty feelings on ten. he twirled his phone on the table as he waited for ten to say something.

"why are you so laid back?" the younger asked.

"well i-"

"like, i literally killed someone, johnny. someone isn't living anymore because of me. you just...take this information so nonchalantly and move on with your life and you continue to talk to me, even after i told you."

the taller boy took set his phone down on the table and sat up. "i'm more curious than anything, ten." ten scoffed at johnny's words.

"i killed someone. that's all there is to it..."

"but who?"

"my father." johnny shuddered and he froze, the same way he did when he figured out ten had killed someone.  
how could someone like ten be capable of killing his father? johnny thought back to when ten said he had no choice. him and his sister were in danger...it must've been serious.

"h-how," johnny stammered. "why?"

ten shrugged, not wanting to explain the entire story. at least not right now.

johnny's father left him and his mother a few years ago and he absolutely hated him but he could never imagine killing him.

"why?" johnny repeated.

"i don't know," ten verbalized his previous shrug that obviously wasn't enough to johnny.

they sat there silent for a moment and ten hated it. johnny could be thinking of anything right now. he glanced at the tall boy before looking at the street lights again.

"let's go inside," johnny sighed before standing up and grabbing his phone from the table.

"wait, johnny," ten stood up as well to block him from the door before he could walk in. he put his hands on johnny's shoulders and stared into his eyes. "i need to know if i can trust you and i want you to be okay with what i did and i promise i'll explain everything when i can," johnny couldn't help but stare into ten's big, desperate, sad eyes and commiserate with him.

johnny sighed and he started to feel weak after ten kept his gaze on him. there was something about his dark eyes that seemed so infatuating and johnny couldn't shake these thoughts out of his head. he feels bad for ten, imagining what he must've went through that resulted in him having to kill his father. he wrapped his long arms around ten's torso before pulling him in for a hug that ten wasn't expecting. the short boy gasped lightly before letting himself fall into johnny's arms, burying his head in his chest and taking in his sweet scent. he let tears spill from his eyes as johnny embraced him. this is the most comfort ten has felt in a while. he cried because of the mixture of emotions he felt. sadness, agitation, grief — and even relief accompanied by a sliver of joy he hadn't felt in a while.

"thank you." ten whispered in johnny's chest.

  
\---

yuta tossed the wet rag into a bin by the sink before washing his hands. it's his 4th hour into his shift and he only had one more until he got to go home.

"so where's your buddy?" seulgi asked, leaning over the counter as she waited for customers to come in. the place was empty due to the fact that it was nearly midnight.

"ten?" he furrowed his eyebrows. the dark haired girl nodded.

"uh, he's just been bailing from work, i guess," he shrugged. "he's been at my place for a while, though. guess he needs a break from life." yuta sighed, hoping the conversation would be left at just that. the door opened and a bell was heard through the cafe.

seulgi stood up, expecting a customer but when she looked at the door and saw the tall man in a suit walking toward them, his badge blazon on his hip. she froze. yuta gulped watching the detective approaching them. his steps seemed so slow and everything was just going by so slow to yuta.

"i'm here for a young man who works here, chittaphon leechaiyapornkul?" the detective spoke, his words sent yuta into a shock.

"h-he's uh, not on a shift at the moment," yuta cleared his throat that seemed to dry up leading up to this moment.

what the hell did he do... seulgi thought to herself.

the man sighed. "do you know where he could be at now?"

"uh, he's been sleeping over at my place for a while, is everything okay, sir?" yuta did all the speaking while seulgi just watched, along with all the other employees who just stood close enough so they could see but far enough so they couldn't be seen.

"i'm here to inform him that his father was killed," the detective struggled with saying those words. it's been 3 weeks and they're just now finding the body? yuta furrowed his eyebrows.

"oh my god," seulgi gasped, covering her mouth and nearly collapsing, having to support herself by resting her elbows on the counter.

"wh-...what- oh my god," yuta stammered, trying to find the right words. thank god for two years of drama classes in high school. "fuck this can't be real," yuta stressfully ran a hand through his hair as his breath hitched.

"please, have him contact me for further details i really need to get in touch with him for questioning." the detective handed yuta a business card.

"okay, will do sir..." yuta said shakily as he took the card. "fuck...how am i supposed to tell him." he muttered.

"is there any reason chittaphon is staying at your house?" the detective asked.

"w-well we always have these weeks where he just stays at my house for no reason at all, it's always random but i can never tell him no when he asks to sleep over." yuta explained calmly but shaken up enough so the detective would believe he's still shocked about the death of his friend's father.

"and what are you to him?"

"i'm his friend," the brown haired boy answered. "i just...i really don't know how to tell him his father his dead," he exhaled sharply.

the detective cleared his throat. "look, i'm sorry kid, i'm not very good at breaking the news myself. just... be there for him, okay?"

yuta nodded.

to the detective, there's no way ten could be a suspect, especially after everything yuta has told him. due to the circumstances, he has to consider ten a suspect, especially after his step mother, who found the father's dead body told them she hasn't heard from or seen tern and ten for weeks. after examination they found the body to have been laying there for weeks and ten seemed to be staying at yuta's for a while based on what yuta explained to him. so there's no way he's a suspect but he still has to take him in for questioning which could put so much stress on him.

"have a nice night, everyone," the detective sighed. "please tell chittaphon to contact me by either calling or coming to the station." he told yuta. one of the hardest jobs for someone who works in law enforcement is breaking such terrible news like this to people.

"will do," yuta muttered. when the detective left, everyone was at a loss for words. yuta leaned against the counter, wondering how in the hell he'd explain to ten that a detective wants to take him in for questioning.

"please tell ten i love him," seulgi told yuta. "he's gonna be so heartbroken when he finds out," she covered her mouth, eyes glossing in tears as she thought of ten's saddened face.

this wasn't fair to yuta. she think ten has no idea and it just isn't fair to him that she has no idea that ten is the one who killed him.

"i'll tell him, seulgi, okay?" yuta rubbed seulgi's back.

\---


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of abuse, drugs, suicide, blood

ten paced back and forth, gripping his hair as he thought of something to say without completely panicking.

"ten, it's okay, they're probably just gonna ask you questions about what you know or who could've done it," tern tried to comfort her brother.

"we're the ones who did it, tern." the dark haired boy stopped pacing. "f-fuck... i did it, it was all me," he whispered. "i killed him..." he was right. tern was just there and didn't stop him.

"ten, look, we are going to get through this, okay? soon it'll all be over and we can go back to normal. all we have to do is go to the funeral tomorrow then you have to go to the police station for the questioning which probably won't even be a big deal." tern put her hands on ten's shoulders.

"what about you, tern? what about the call you got from claire?"

claire was their step mother. she called tern crying and asked her where her and ten were and she begged for them to come home but tern said she was at her boyfriend's and she would be too sad to come home so claire just accepted it and told her to come home when she's ready.

tern hates claire. ten has nothing against her.

"tern, i think you should stay with mom in atlantic city..." ten muttered. "they'd probably make you stay with claire, anyway. i could use johnny's car to take you..."

"no, ten." she shook her head. "there's no need for me to go, i can stay here with you and yuta."

ten sighed. "i've been thinking about running away," he admitted. there was a silence between them while everything else around them kept adding noise into the air. tern sat on the stool by the counter, expecting her brother to explain everything.

"after the funeral, the questioning, and everything, i might leave. i might go to new york or maybe even maine. i just...need to get out of here. we grew up in south jersey and if i keep living here, knowing what i did, then i'll probably lose my mind. leaving could be a fresh start for me and i know you don't want to come but i really want you to think about it,"

tern looked at ten with a blank expression on her face, not fully understanding why ten would think running away would be a good idea.

"i know i can probably be considered a suspect and if i am, then i'll stay here and just go through the whole process and once they decide i'm not a suspect, then they'll let me go...then i'll leave."

"ten but you are a suspect. you're the person who killed him," the dark haired girl said, squinting her eyes and shaking her head disapprovingly. "you killed my dad, ten. he's dead because of you. you ruined everything!" she screamed. her voice was more like an echo and ten couldn't figure out whether this was real or not.

"i'm sorry," ten muttered. "i'm so sorry," his voice cracked. everything around him was spinning and he gripped his hair with both hands, grasping tightly as he tried to get his mind right. all he could see was the dark red blood spilling out from the stab wound he left in his father's chest. he felt a pair of hands grip his shoulders and shake him roughly, screaming "ten! ten! ten!" the short boy couldn't see who it was, it sounded like his father. the loud harsh voice that always came with degrading words, often followed by a terrible insult with the smell of alcohol accompanying.

"ten!" the voice screamed again. ten was crying now, trying to get away from the distorted reality in his head.

ten's legs were weak and when he felt like he could collapse, he felt something warm hold his waist. he turned around, his eyes meeting with big dark eyes and blonde hair. when he saw hansol, he immediately collapsed in his arms, letting all of his tears fall.

"god, i'm so fucked!" ten cried out. he couldn't figure out what in the hell just occurred or how it even occurred and where the hell was tern now?

"shhh, it's okay," hansol cooed. "it's okay," he whispered. ten has had so many breakdowns like this since he's been staying at yuta's and hansol only heard about them from yuta but he's never actually seen it happen until now. he held onto the small tightly, wanting to do any and everything to make him feel safe and happy. he knows what happened and he's been trying to figure out ways to help since he found out. hansol studies in pre law and he's been using his knowledge to his advantage.

"c'mon, you really have to eat," hansol said as he helped ten to the couch. the small boy was still crying and even hyperventilating. hansol went to thr kitchen to make something for ten to eat. ten had no idea when hansol came home. he didn't live here but he was always over before yuta was even home. it took nearly 15 minutes for ten to stop crying. so now he was sitting on the couch with such a distinct feeling of nothing as he waited for hansol to finish making his food.

"here," ten heard. he looked up and his sister was standing in front of him holding a bottle of pills in her hand.  
he took it from her and read the label carefully.

CHITTAPHON LEECHAIYAPORNKUL

XANAX XR

"i packed these before we left..." tern said. "why'd you stop taking them?"

"they fucked me up really bad," ten said. "i got addicted and-"

"oh my god!" tern snatched the bottle from her brother. "why didn't you tell me, ten? how come i didn't know?"

"it wasn't that bad." ten took the bottle back. "maybe these will help me right now..." he thought out loud.

"take them as the label says, ten. please don't do anything dumb."

"i can't keep breaking down like that. this helped a lot with preventing my episodes so i'm sure they'll get rid of whatever the hell is going on with me now."

"ten just...please don't be dumb." she sighed.

_____

"i get taken in for questioning the day after the funeral." ten told johnny, sitting in his car. he watched johnny light the blunt and set the red lighter in the cup holder. he ran a hand through his hair, pulling it back from his face as he took a short drag that was followed by s cough. the tall boy patted his chest and coughed a few more times and handed ten the blunt.

"they're probably just gonna ask who you know that could've hated him or something like that." johnny said. "i wouldn't worry about it that much if i were you. you're his son after all."

"yeah but sons killing their dad's is common. but based on what yuta told me, the detective seemed to show a lot of sympathy." ten toyed with the blunt in his hand for a few seconds before taking a hit.

"who planned the funeral?"

"claire." ten answered. "my step mother." he handed johnny the blunt and johnny stared into his eyes as he took it from his hand. his sad beautiful dark eyes. johnny can't come to terms with why he's so infatuated with ten. it deeply confuses him. he knows what ten did but he still wants to know everything about him. he's so obsessed and it's so confusing.

"my dad was not a good man," ten said. he decided now would be a good time to tell the story. getting high in a car. "he hurt me all the time and he hurt tern a lot too. my mom divorced him after he became an alcoholic and when she left it got really bad. me and tern wanted to stay with him but we had no idea he'd turn into a monster who only drinks and lets his unnecessary anger out on his kids.  
when he first hit me, i was 11 and it was when he found out i was taking ballet lessons. my friend's mom was paying for them and i didn't think dad would care so i just didn't tell him. one night i came home from a lesson and he saw my bag that had the ballet company name and logo on it. when he asked me why i had it, i told him. he yelled at me and then he slapped me really really hard in the face.

i guess he got a good kick out if it because it seems like after that, he was always getting mad at me and hitting me. he would beat the hell out of me if i said one wrong thing to him. it took me a while to realize that it wasn't okay but i truly started hating him when he pushed tern on the floor because she didn't do her chores. god, i was so pissed." ten stopped to see if johnny was still listening. he was so quiet you'd think he fell asleep, but he was listening.

"when dad married claire, tern developed a lot of hate for her but i've never disliked her. she she's nice but she's really stupid. the night of the wedding, i snuck out to meet up with a boy and i brought him back to my house through my window and the next morning, dad came in my room to wake me up for school but he saw the half naked dude in my bed and he flipped out. he threatened to kill him and when the guy left, i ended up getting beaten terribly and tern tried to get him off of me but he basically threw her across the room. claire was at work already but if she were there she probably would've stopped him." ten stopped again to clear his throat.

he could oddly feel johnny's sympathy in a way. it made him feel better.

"after that i stopped caring," ten continued. "i stared sneaking out a lot and i started dating guys who used me and let their anger out on me just as bad as my dad. i remember i couldn't go a week without clear skin with no bruises and black eyes. not only was my dad hitting me but so were some of the guys i dated. a while ago i was prescribed xanax for my anxiety but i started getting addicted to it which caused me to get addicted to other drugs and the most scary one was cocaine."

johnny looked over at ten and tried to imagine him doing drugs — besides smoking weed — and it was too difficult. someone as beautiful and sweet as ten couldn't have went through all of that. johnny couldn't believe any of it. all ten needs is love and johnny really wanted to do anything at this point to make ten feel loved.

"after months, i stopped being addicted," ten spoke, taking johnny away from his thoughts.  
"i started eating more and i applied for a job and then i met yuta and he helped me a lot for a while and although i had a few friends at school, yuta was my only actual friend for a really long time. i took all the beatings from my dad and then i'd go to yuta's place and cry and he'd let me spend the night there and i felt safe. he helped tern, too. she had her other close friends to rely on but yuta still provided as much help as he could for the both of us."

ten wasn't expecting to tell his whole entire life story. but he just let everything spill out. he felt good doing this.

"things got bad for a bit after that. they got terrible. i started taking my xanax again and i got really suicidal. luckily i didn't attempt or anything and yuta helped me out of that rough patch. everything comes so unexpectedly. things can get bad in the blink of an eye and at this point i just let it happen. a month ago, things were going good. things with my dad were the same but my mood was getting better. i was happy for a short time. that was until one evening, my dad came home from a bar. he was so drunk and he was mad. i don't know why he was mad but he was so angry. i wasn't home though, tern told me. when i came home, he asked me where i was and i told him i was with some friends. he didn't believe me and asked if i was hanging out with another guy and i told him no but he still didn't believe me. he slammed me against the door and threatened to kill me if i didn't tell him the truth. he pulled out a pocket knife and held it at my neck-"

johnny placed his warm hand on ten's.

"uh," ten cleared his throat. johnny was practically holding his hand and it completely threw him off.

"he uh, held the knife at my neck and i've never been so afraid of him in my entire life. when tern saw everything, she pushed him and tried to run away but he pulled her by her hair and threw her to the ground. seeing that put so much rage in me. i don't know what went over me but i managed to get the knife away from him. i forget, i wish i remembered how but i took it and just as he started charging at me, i stabbed him. blood went everywhere and tern was in so much shock, she was just frozen. it's like she wasn't there. she just stopped breathing and moving. claire was out of town for a week and it was good because she wouldn't come home unexpectedly so we cleaned up and packed our stuff and left. i was so relieved and i didn't feel any sadness over losing him. it was for the best and the only negative emotions i felt were fear and guilt. i'm free from him. i don't have be treated like that again if i stay with the right people. everything just felt so right."

johnny was speechless.

"you don't have to say anything." ten said, interlocking his fingers with johnny's. "it was for the best."

johnny was left confused. why is he falling for ten even more after hearing his story? why does he want ten to feel special and to feel like the only person in the world? why does he want to kiss ten and tell him how important he is?

he's so confused...


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg sorry for typos !!! i make so many typos and i dont edit them like i should ahhh

 

  
this is it. this is the day ten and tern confront claire, family members, friends of the family, and most importantly: their dead father.

ten stepped out of yuta's car and looked at his little sister who's face was red from crying on their way there. ten deeply inhaled, letting out a sharp exhale as he wrapped his arm around his sister's shoulders. how did his life come to this?

yuta rubbed ten's back as they stepped closer to the church. there stood claire on the top step in front of the door, greeting everyone who walked in.

when she saw ten and tern, her bright blue eyes watered and she immediately wrapped her arms around the short boy.

"oh god," she whispered, hugging him tightly. "i missed you two." she said as they pulled away from their hug.

"things are going to be okay," tern smiled sadly. she held claire's hand and commiserated with her. when tern finally let go of the frail hands, ten hugged claire again.

"i'm sorry." ten said. this felt so weird to him. everything was so weird.

"yuta," the blonde woman extended her hand for yuta. he smiled warmly, taking her hand in his and squeezing it gently before saying,"i'm so sorry for your loss."

from there, they went in. it was quiet — save for the small chattering and conversations. ten walked down the aisle as he looked for his reserved seat. when asked whether he wanted to do a eulogy or not, ten said no. he said no because it'd be too much for him. he looked around the room when he sat down. they're all here because of him. he did this. yuta and hansol sat in the row behind ten and tern since they had to sit with family members. ten looked at the casket. it was closed.

some time had passed and everyone was in their seats as the service began. ten tuned everything out, staring at the casket and all the flowers that surrounded it. his father is in there. the man who raised him for 17 years is in there. the man who taught him how to ride a bike, tie his shoes, write his name in thai, and etc was gone now. he was killed. he took care of ten just how any father would care for his son until he was 11. he loved ten. he cherished ten and tern so closely. at the end of the day he would always tell ten and tern to have goodnight's sleep, whether it was drunken or not. he would always make sure they're protected, even if he doesn't show that he's concerned for their safety.

ten hates thinking like this. he hates that he can just think against himself in a split second. maybe killing his father wasn't for the best. maybe he should just turn himself in. he shook those thoughts out of his head. he didn't realize he was nearly sobbing until claire put a warm hand on his back and whispered,"it's gonna be okay."

ten nodded. but it won't be okay. he's in a room surrounded by friends and family of the man who raised him but is now dead because of him.

ten felt the warmness of claire's hand leave when she stood up. she was about to do her eulogy. she went to the podium, a melancholic smile blazon on her face as she stood in front of everyone.

"i don't know what to say," she began, tucking her long blonde locks behind her ear, "i miss him a lot." the whole room was silent as they empathized with her.  
"when i met him, he lured me with his humor and charms and i fell in love with him a day after. before i knew it, we were married and i felt so blessed to be apart of his family with his two beautiful kids. ten and tern mean the world to me and i feel like it's unfair to say that since i didn't exactly raise them but i love them a lot. so did their father."

bullshit. ten thought. he tuned out the rest of claire's eulogy. he looked around the room to see everyone who came. so many people who didn't know who this man truly was. ten wanted his mother to be here. he wanted to hug her so tightly and listen to her endearing thai phrases that would always make ten feel better. but she wasn't there. she was probably caught up at work.

at the end of the service, ten decided he couldn't bear seeing them bury his coffin. he told claire and she didn't say anything. she only hugged him tightly and gave him a kiss on the cheek. she thanked yuta for taking care of ten and tern. the four of them left after getting past everyone who was comforting ten and tern for the loss of their father. tern hasn't said a thing since she sat down in yuta's car and everything was so oddly quiet when they drove to yuta's apartment.

ten's face lit up when he saw johnny's car parked in the parking garage.

"are you guys hungry?" hansol asked as he got out of the car.

"can we just order some pizza." tern muttered, grabbing her jacket and draping it over her arm while she shut the door.

"yeah," yuta nodded. he put his arm around tern's shoulders and said,"i'll see if mark can come over, okay?" mark always seems to cheer up tern.

she nodded. yuta has always been more of a father figure than her actual dad was to her. he showed up to her piano recital when her dad got drunk and passed out on the couch. he gave her a bouquet of roses and her boyfriend was jealous until he found out yuta was a college student who just really loves supporting the people he loves. yuta missed an important soccer practice to take ten to the doctor when he got really sick with the flu.

ten walked over to johnny's car and smiled when he saw the brown haired boy was still sitting in it. he knocked on the window and noticed johnny was still in his uniform when he looked up at ten.

the tall boy rolled the window down and smiled. "wanna get some lunch?" he asked, turning down the music that played from the radio. he saw ten's black suit and his demeanor immediately changed.

"oh," johnny said under his breath. "you should get changed first."

"it's fine, if i take off the jacket it's just black skinny jeans and a black button up." ten said. "i'll just look really emo." he giggled.

"okay." johnny laughed. "get in, i'm kidnapping you."

ten went to the other side of the car and before he opened the door, he informed tern, yuta, and hansol he'd be getting lunch with johnny.

tern found ten's behavior odd. he was emotionally worn out just a minute ago but now he's going out like nothing happened.

johnny turned up the radio as he focused on the road while the rain viciously attacked his windshield. johnny loves the rain but he absolutely hates driving in it.

"where are we going?" ten asked.

"probably qdoba," johnny muttered. "if you want, it's up to you."

"qdoba is fine," the short boy smiled. "i think i feel a little better after going to the funeral. it's like a huge weight just lifted off my shoulders."

"that's good, how's your sister? does she still hate me?" johnny chuckled.

"she doesn't hate you, she just hates that i spend a lot of time with you." ten giggled, "but she's not doing do great. she's obviously upset but she won't say anything."

johnny frowned. "i really hope she feels better."

"i know, i was thinking of having her stay with my mom in atlantic city but she'd probably tell her everything. i just can't imagine how we're supposed to continue living with this huge secret." ten sighed.

"you could possibly forget about it..." johnny said.

ten shook his head. "it's really hard to forget about it."

"i know." johnny muttered. "just didn't really know what to say."

it was silent for a moment and johnny really hoped he didn't hurt ten's feelings or something. he awkwardly turned the music up a little and cleared his throat.

"you're a dork." ten broke the silence and giggled.

johnny sighed in relief and smiled. "thanks."

it was silent again.

ten stared at johnny while the tall boy was focused on the road, turning into the parking lot of qdoba. his messy brown hair fell over his forehead, creating a barrier between the world and his left eyebrow. he looked so focused all the time and ten found it really attractive.

"fuck...this place is always packed." johnny muttered as he circled around the restaurant, searching for an empty spot. they sat in the parking lot for almost 2 minutes while johnny waited for a spot to open.

"god, it's raining terribly out here," the tall boy sighed, putting his car in park.

"do you have an umbrella?" ten tilted his head to the side, watching the raindrops race each other down the window.

johnny shook his head. "i do have an extra jacket, and i also have my backpack." he vacillated. "i can hold it over our heads while we walk in."

"thank you because i cannot get my hair messed up." ten sighed jokingly.

johnny wonders how ten can just remain so calm after a funeral of his father, especially since he killed him. he also wonders why he's even falling in love with ten the way he is.

"oh my god!" ten exclaimed as they both ran into the restaurant with a jacket held over both of their heads by johnny. he's so tall that he has to crouch down in order to cover ten's head enough so that the rain wasn't hitting his face.

when they made it inside the restaurant, they received weird glares from everyone due to their giggles. johnny cleared his throat and threw the jacket over his shoulders.

"we're such losers," ten giggled, absentmindedly interlocking his arm with johnny's. the tall boy softly gasped before letting himself relax. everything with ten seemed so natural. it's like they've known each other for years.

"hey, i'm gonna order you can find us a table." johnny said. "what would you like?"

"any nachos is fine." ten shrugged. "booth or table?"

"booth," johnny muttered.

"okay. thanks for lunch by the way, i really appreciate it." ten smiled before unlooping his arm from johnny's to find an empty booth. johnny left school early to take ten to lunch to cheer him up after the funeral and it didn't take ten long to realize this. it's probably the cutest thing anyone has ever done for him.

ten found a booth a bit secluded from the semi crowded restaurant. he sat down and waited for johnny to find him.

his phone ding-ed and it took him a while to figure out where it was until he realized it was in the chest pocket of his dress shirt.

CLAIRE: Got a letter from the state saying you and Tern have to go to truancy court if I don't come up with an explanation for why you haven't been in school. I told them about Dad and handled everything. Please go to school, Ten. If you want to dropout just tell me and I will sign papers. But I encourage you to take online courses. As for Tern — she's too young to dropout so please make sure she's going to school. Have her go at least for a day to get caught up.

as ten read the message, he felt bad for claire. she puts so much into making sure him and tern are happy first before addressing things like school.

he texted her back, sending a simple "Thank you so much for everything. I love you. I'll be home to see you soon."

he smiled when he set his phone down, feeling relieved after texting her.

almost 10 minutes passed and ten found himself covering his face as johnny walked goofily to the booth holding the trays in his hands like he was a waiter.

"you're gonna drop the food, johnny!" ten exclaimed. he reached for one of the trays but johnny set both of them down on the table.

"why'd you pick this booth? i feel so isolated from everyone," johnny looked around, looking at the empty tables and booths that surrounded them.

"sorry," ten giggled sheepishly. "i guess i just really like being away from people."

"what year of tumblr are we in?" johnny joked, furrowing his eyebrows as he passed ten his drink. after being friends with ten for almost a month, he found out his favorite fountain drink is sprite.

"shut up," ten giggled. "i just like being alone."

"guess i'll leave." the tall boy began to stand up but then he sat down and laughed. he honestly felt like a jerk for making fun of ten but the thai boy's reactions to his jokes were cute.

"you're probably one of the only people i want to be around at this point. i want to live somewhere that's just away from everyone and everything, including my sister and yuta who i love a lot but really want to be away from. i just kind of think it'll be nice to be somewhere far, far away..." ten took a sip of his drink and cleared his throat to finish his sentence,"with you. i really want to be far away somewhere with you."

johnny was flattered but mostly shocked and taken aback. ten seemed so shy and small at the moment. he seemed so sad and desperate.

"where could we go?" the older asked, a soft smile appearing on his face.

ten smiled as well.

"a big city. although you're surrounded by thousands of people in a huge city, it's still so lonely there. it's big enough that not everyone knows every single detail of one another," ten explained. "it would be nice."

"i'd like that, a lot."

"you're only saying that because you don't want me to feel stupid." ten sighed. "you have a soccer scholarship here and you're graduating from high school soon, training with a university soccer team. you're well off here." ten had a point, johnny just didn't want to leave his ideas and thoughts hanging so he added onto them so ten would feel better. but he does think living with ten would be nice.

"but," ten said,"i wanna know more about you...it's like you rarely talk about yourself and i'm always talking about my shitty life." he giggled softly as he picked up a chip and wiped some of the cheese off before eating it.

"i don't know what i'm supposed to tell you," the tall boy chuckled. "my dad left me and my mom when i was young and now it's just me and my mom. she's really supportive and sweet and probably one of my favorite people in the world."

"ugh," ten rolled his eyes. "you're a dork."

"you asked," johnny smiled.

ten's phone rang, causing the two of them to immediately shut up.

the dark haired boy looked at the contact ID.

it was his ex.

"no," ten muttered as he grabbed his phone and stood up. "no, no, no, no, no," he whispered frantically before completely abandoning johnny and leaving the restaurant.

johnny didn't know if he should try to check on ten or just leave him be. the person calling seemed serious.  
for a minute, johnny sat and watched the rain pouring outside the window. then he realized ten was outside in the pouring rain. he stood up quickly and rushed outside before finding ten standing by the wall, his body completely soaked from the rain. he seemed upset on the phone.

ten wiped his face as he listened to doyoung's voice.

"ten you know i love you, right?" he said softly into the phone. his voice was so tempting, so soft and endearing. hidden behind the velvety voice was a violent, abusive teen who hurt ten so terribly when they were together.

"ten listen, when i heard about your dad i got so upset. i hope you're doing okay." doyoung continued.

"you can't just do that," ten felt himself starting to cry. "you can't just call me and make me think you care about me when really you don't."

"that's not true ten, i love you. i'm so sorry for everything i've done to you. i fucking regret it so much. you're the love of my life, remember? we were so in love...i'm still in love with you. i miss all the fun we had."

"stop," ten's eyes welled with tears. "please, stop."

"ten, please," doyoung muttered into the phone. "i love you so much." he slurred. "god, i need you."

"a-are you high?" ten furrowed his eyebrows. "doyoung, are you high?"

"ten, i need you...i need something."

"doyoung, i stopped doing that stuff a long time ago...i can't give you anything i can't-"

"are you still on xans, ten? please just bring some over and i promise i'll leave you alone."

"i don't want to see you!" ten suddenly shouted. "you called me, saying you love me just to make me fall for it so you can use me? fuck you, doyoung."

"ten, i love you." doyoung said softly. "i love you, you know i do."

"no you don't," ten began to cry. "why would you call me? we're not even together and you still fucking manage to hurt me, doyoung."

ten heard doyoung sigh. "i'm sorry, baby."

"no," ten said harshly. "you do not get to call me that."

johnny stood by, wondering what he should do. ten is obviously talking to his ex and hearing how upset he seemed to make him only makes johnny angry.

after a few more words were exchanged, ten hung up and ran a hand through his wet hair. the rain blended with the tears on his cheeks.  
he stood there, silently crying for a moment. he had no idea johnny was watching him until the tall boy approached him.

"oh god," ten whispered as he wiped the tears from his face. "how long were you..."

"i listened to most of it. i wasn't sure what to do." johnny looked down at his shoes. "i'm sorry-"

"no," ten muttered. "it's okay. thank you."

johnny wrapped his arms around ten and pulled the shorter boy closer to his chest. "i'm sorry." he said again.

ten stared up at him before cupping johnny's cheeks. "please stop apologizing." he giggled softly.

johnny smiled and stared into ten's big bright eyes. "i'm sorry." he said again.

"stop apolog-" ten was cut off by the lips that crashed into his. he hesitantly kissed back and everything felt surreal. reality was stripped away from them for a few moments until ten pulled away to breathe.

ten reached on his toes to give johnny a quick sheepish kiss on the cheek.

"i've wanted to do that for the longest time." johnny admitted. "when i first met you."

ten blushed and grabbed johnny's hand to walk him back in the restaurant, despite their soaked clothes.

"thank you. for everything." ten smiled.

_________

"you're 17, right?" the detective asked, handing ten the coffee he requested.

ten nodded.

"and you're a junior in high school?"

ten nodded again.

"chittaphon, how long were you staying with yuta? do you have a specific date?" the detective furrowed his eyebrows.

"uh, i don't remember the exact date i stayed over there for a few weeks after what was supposed to be a week long sleepover. tern was staying with her boyfriend for one night then she went over to her friend's place to stay there and then afterwards she met up with me and yuta because she loves it there, she spends a lot of time there, too." ten explained.

"so you've been at yuta's for some time?"

"yup." ten confirmed. "where was the stab wound?" ten asked.

"in the middle of the chest, right near the heart." the detective answered. "you haven't been at school for a while, correct?"

ten nodded. "for a while i've been planning on dropping out to take online courses."

"what about tern?"

"she wanted to do the same so of course she followed in my footsteps and stopped going. she's at school today, though. she needed a lot of work to catch up on."

the detective made a note before looking back up at ten. "claire was on a business trip when your father was killed, correct?"

"i guess," ten shrugged.

"is there a possibility that she could've came home while you and tern were at your friend's house?"

ten shrugged again.

"look, chittaphon," the detective sighed. "i really need you to tell me everything you know. i know she's your step mother and you may be protecting her, but we need everything we can get on this case."

oh no.

the detectives are considering claire as a possible suspect...

_______


	5. Chapter 5

ten watched tern hug claire as he put the last of her bags in the trunk. three weeks after long talks of how tern would be better off with her mother in the city, she agreed. claire agreed it was the right thing to do as well. ten has noticed how nice tern has been to claire for the past few weeks. it was odd but relieving.

"i'm glad your sister's staying here with you, i was worried that you'd be sleeping in this big house alone every night." ten told claire. 

"yeah," she sighed. "she's been helping me get so much better though, i started going back to work the other day."

"so did i." ten giggled. "i forgot to tell you, when i came back to work, my manager threw me a welcome back party, i thought he'd be mad and fire me." 

claire smiled as ten explained everything that happened. "i'm so glad you're getting better, ten." she rubbed his back. "and tern, please try to call me everyday!" she dramatically begged. 

"okay," tern laughed,"i will. i promise."

"ready?" johnny asked when he heard ten shut the trunk. they're using johnny's car to drive to atlantic city. 

"yup," tern gave a thumbs up before giving claire one last quick hug. she stared at the large mordernized victorian house she's lived in ever since claire and her father got together. 

"bye," tern waved to claire as she opened the back door of johnny's car. 

"bye-bye, love," claire blew her a few kisses and waved. 

johnny started the car and ten joined him in the passenger seat. 

"drive safe, honey." claire waved to johnny. "i can't wait to have dinner with you on sunday." she smiled to him. 

"i'm looking forward to it." johnny smiled back. 

ten smiled as he watched their interaction. 

"bye, claire!" tern shouted. 

"bye, love! tell your mother i said hello and also, please give me her new number!" 

"will do." the dark haired girl smiled. as odd as it sounds, their real mother and claire are really close. they've had a few disagreements due to having married the same man but they're still close friends. 

when they finally hit the road, johnny discovered that ten really likes dancing to music on the radio. any song that will come on, ten won't hesitate to attempt to mouth the words while dancing in his seat. even country music. 

"when's the last time you saw your mom?" johnny asked, turning down the music and adjusting the mirror a bit so he could see tern. 

"uh, a family reunion last summer." she answered. "ten didn't go." 

"i was with a guy." ten added. 

"are you trying to make me jealous?" johnny smirked. 

"nope, just wanted to inform that i spent a week with a dude while my family was at a reunion." ten giggled. 

tern rolled her eyes and sighed when she realized the conversation turned to just ten and johnny now. over the course of the past few weeks, she's started to tolerate johnny and it made her feel better seeing how happy he made ten. they went to see a movie last week and of course ten cried at a sad scene and the way johnny embraced ten was so heartwarming to tern and she was happy to see her big brother being cared for since she's used to seeing guys mistreat him. 

"once mark gets his license he's probably gonna be driving up here non stop to get advice on how to ask out donghyuck, which he still hasn't done for three whole months." ten rolled his eyes. 

"they actually went on their first date the other day." johnny informed.

"yeah, ten. you're a little late." tern laughed. 

"oh, really? so he actually grew balls?" ten scoffed. "that's really cool." 

"yeah," the dark haired girl in the back seat furrowed her eyebrows and agreed, a bit confused at ten's fascination.

mark has had a crush on donghyuck since the 6th grade and for nearly five years he'd keep promising ten and tern that he'd ask him out but he never did. he always ended up chickening out. it was recently when he mustered the courage to ask out the boy he's been crushing on for years. 

"that's so cute." ten said after a few minutes of silence passed. 

tern nodded and sighed before resting her head on the window. she checked her phone to see all the texts from her friends and the texts her boyfriend spammed her with. she's gonna miss all of her friends but she feels better knowing she can just leave everything that happened behind and live somewhere else with someone she's missed for a long time. witnessing her brother killing her dad was extremely traumatic and she probably will never let go of that but at least she has somewhere to get away from things that remind her of it and most importantly, ten. 

"it's gonna be okay, kiddo." ten said softly, almost as if he were reading tern's mind. "i know you like big cities so you'll probably like it up here. also, i'm less than an hour away. you and mom can drive down and i can even drive up there to see you two so i know everything will be okay." he reached his arm to the back where tern was sitting oblique to the passenger seat so he could pat her knee. "it'll go so smoothly, tern. i promise." he gave her a warm smile and waited for her to smile back. 

when she smiled back, he could remember that same exact smile from their childhood. he remembered when they were younger and the two of them and their parents would go for ice cream sundaes almost every friday night. tern always had a huge smile on her face while watching their dad help put the extra sprinkles on top. tern has always loved her father, despite how terribly he treated her and ten. she just always had to think back to when she was young and she would always see her dad as a superhero since he always had the solution to the most difficult things in her life and he always showered her with so much affection. unfortunately that changed.

"are you okay, ten?" johnny managed to focus on the road as he glanced at ten every once in a while. 

the dark haired boy nodded. "just...thinking." 

the time passed and the rest of the car ride was full of snores and a few nostalgic songs that came on the radio. they were finally at the apartment. 

ten remembers running away and taking buses to this apartment whenever he had unsafe thoughts. he'd go there and talk to his mother for hours and then he'd stay the night and leave the next morning. 

it was weird while he helped tern carry her bags in. his mom wouldn't be home from work for another hour and he couldn't bare to wait an hour for her to come home and see her tired from a 8 hour shift. he misses that. he misses seeing her come home from work and making her a cup of tea as she watches the shows she recorded on the DVR. 

"is this the last one?" johnny asked while he carried the heaviest suitcase to the door. ten nodded and leaned against the car, staring at the apartment building and sighing heavily. tern joined him and sighed as well. 

she waited a few silent moments before saying something. "stop worrying." 

ten exhaled sharply before saying,"how can you just move up here and start a new life even after witnessing your big brother stab your father to death?" 

tern folded her arms over her chest. "i can manage." 

"yeah but i can't." 

"aren't you moving to maine, anyway? how can you start a whole new life in a different state knowing you killed dad." the short girl immediately regretted her words when ten stood up straight. he looked down at the ground and the tears welling in his eyes were evident, no matter how hard he tried to hide them. 

"alright, everything is in there." johnny assured as he stepped out of the building. he noticed the silence and furrowed his eyebrows. he figured they were just upset to separate so he didn't think too much of it.

"thank you, johnny." tern said abruptly. 

"are you going to be okay waiting here until you mom comes home?" johnny asked.

tern nodded. "yeah, i'll call ten or mark if i get too bored or something." 

"okay. you ready, ten?" johnny shifted his attention to the short boy who stood there silently. 

he only nodded. 

"bye, tenny." tern smiled slightly. he turned around to hug her tightly. "i'm so sorry." she whispered.

"it's fine. stay safe, ok?" ten squeezed her in his arms until she giggled loudly and pushed him away. 

"okay," she smiled. "johnny, take care of my brother for me!" she beamed before going to the door. 

"i will, i promise." the taller put his arm around ten's shoulder. 

"bye, bye!" tern waved before opening the door and walking into the building. the door shut and ten realized that's the last he'll see of his little sister in person for a while. 

"you okay?" johnny held ten's hand. 

ten nodded and stood on his toes briefly to kiss johnny on the cheek.

\-----

johnny watched ten walk into the convenience store after paying the man who pumped his gas. ten was quiet as they were driving back home. johnny would say a few things here and there and ten would subtly hint at his disinterest in having a conversation so johnny would just hold the younger's hand and smile warmly at him. he wanted desperately to tell ten how beautiful he looked as the bright city lights reflected on the window behind him. they would color ten's pupils an electric blue or purple or red and his sad eyes would look like fireworks as he rested his head on the window. 

after a few minutes, ten came back to the car with a bag in one hand and his wallet and a coffee in the other. johnny unlocked the door and reached over to the passenger seat to pull the handle and push the door open. 

"i got you a snapple apple." ten muttered while climbing in the seat. he put his coffee in the cup holder and shut the door. 

"are you okay?" johnny asked.

ten shook his head, which was totally unexpected since a simple "yeah" is always the response to that question. 

"johnny, my sister thinks i'm some cold hearted murderer who's trying to run away from my problems by moving to maine," ten scoffed. "i'm so sick of feeling terrible when i'm reminded of what i did."

"you were defending yourself, ten. you were protecting you and your sister. she could've gotten seriously hurt." johnny placed a warm hand on ten's knee. "do whatever makes you feel safer and healthier. if starting over helps, then do it." 

"but i can't. i'll be living with this forever."

johnny sighed and he really didn't want to tell ten the solution he came up with but he felt that he needed to. 

"ten, you should turn yourself in. if you tell them everything that happened, they'll know you were defending yourself and-"

"i can't," ten cut off the words he knew he'd hear. "they'll try me as an adult, i can't go to prison."

"you can't own up to the fact that you killed your father and serve just a decade for manslaughter? you're putting innocent lives at risk here, like your step mother, ten."

ten was taken by surprise and instead of immediately getting angry, he laughed. "i don't need you to lecture me, john."

"you fucking killed your father! he's 6 feet under because you stabbed him in the fucking chest and you can't even come to terms with the reality you'll face if you just turn yourself in for something you obviously did? i thought you were smarter than this."

"okay, first of all i was protecting my little sister. you live your life so perfectly with perfect grades and a perfect home with your perfect friends and your planned out future. i have endured countless beatings from my father and my ex boyfriends and i could never prevent them because i never knew when they would happen. tern could've died, i could've died. i don't expect you to understand how shit my life is." 

ten sat back in his seat and crossed his arms over his chest. 

johnny was at a loss for words. ten was right. he doesn't understand what ten has been through but he still cares enough for him to just turn himself in instead of having to live with a huge secret that can hinder his mental health terribly. 

"i'm sorry." was all he said. ten turned his head to look into johnny's eyes. staring into the soft brown eyes made ten want to cry.

"johnny i am trying so hard to not use drugs to cope with this but i feel like everyday is getting harder." 

"hey, hey, hey," johnny softly took ten's hand in his. "you are so strong for not using drugs so far, ten. you're amazing, okay? you deserve absolutely all the good that the world has to offer and now that your father is gone, you have nothing stopping you from living your best life."

"yeah, except i might go to jail or i might get addicted to drugs again or i'll get into another abusive relationship." 

"you have me." johnny said. "i will try my best to ensure that none of this will happen. even while you're in maine, hundreds of miles away, i'll still protect you." 

ten smiled subtly and intertwined his fingers with johnny's.

"i'm falling in love with you." johnny admitted, breaking what was about to become a moment of awkward silence.

ten gasped and grabbed johnny's shoulders, pulling him in for a kiss. 

he's never heard those words before.

\------

"god i just need them to drop this stupid case so i can go back to living my life normally." ten complained to seulgi as he stocked the small bins with sugar packets. 

"well, it could've been your step mom, right? there's no one else that could be capable of killing your dad, as awful as he was. tern was at her boyfriend's and you were at yuta's." seulgi sighed.

"i don't think claire did it." ten shrugged. 

the bell to the door rang and ten rolled his eyes,"i absolutely hate customers that come in at the ass crack of the time my shift ends." he groaned.

"ouch, if i were you i wouldn't say that when an actual customer comes in." johnny raised a brow while approaching the counter.

"i'm sorry!" ten exclaimed. he reached over the counter and gave johnny a kiss on the cheek. 

seulgi watched endearingly but decided to go to the kitchen so she wouldn't "infringe on their conversation," as ten put two weeks ago when she tried to help ten and johnny plan their date. 

"i'm here to kidnap you." johnny said in a deep voice that wasn't too convincing. "i saw the dude who's supposed to be taking your next shift while i was waiting in the parking lot so i'm pretty sure he'll get in trouble for smoking during his shift instead of coming in."

ten giggled and kissed him on the cheek again before hopping over the counter and untying his apron. "i'm so excited for your mom's food, i've been thinking about it all day." 

"yeah, she makes the best food that i still can't pronounce no matter how many times she tries to tell me." the tall boy took ten's hat and put it on his head. 

ten fixed his hair and held johnny's hand as they walked out of the diner. "how's the new assistant coach?" he asked. "yuta absolutely hates him."

"he's not too bad, he just really sucks at being understanding. like when someone accidentally kicked my ankle during drills, he didn't know how to say "hey kids, just sit out and put some ice on it." he yelled at me for laying on the ground in excruciating pain for a few minutes." 

"are you okay?" ten tried to see if johnny's ankle was bruised but it was covered by his slacks. 

"i'm fine, it only hurt for a little bit." johnny smiled. "wanna get some ice cream before dinner?" he asked, unlocked his door and watching ten walk to the other side of the car.

"yeah but i don't wanna ruin my appetite." 

"we can share a sundae." johnny beamed. 

ten playfully rolled his eyes and wondered how in the hell johnny can be so cute and adorable while simultaneously being sexy and beautiful.

when they finished their short ice cream date, they made it to johnny's house and ten was starving, despite having ate most of the sundae and only leaving johnny a little bit.

ten has been over johnny's house many times but what's different about now is that he's going to meet his mother and have dinner with her. 

"john?" mrs. seo furrowed her eyebrows as she walked into the foyer to see johnny accompanied by his boyfriend. 

mrs. seo is short just as ten imagined. her hair falls to her shoulders, covering her forehead with a messy fringe. she had a few moles on her tan skin and she had a soft and warm smile. 

"hi," ten greeted shyly. 

"johnny he's so cute!" mrs. seo unexpectedly exclaimed. ten covered his mouth and blushed after thanking her. 

"yeah, i have a very good taste." johnny bragged. ten giggled softly and extended his hand to shake mrs. seo's but she instead engulfed him in a tight hug. the scent of perfume and hairspray filled ten's nose. 

when she finally broke their hug that was way too long mostly because ten didn't want to disrespectfully let go, she lead them to the dining room.

"not everything is done yet," she explained as she turned a knob on the stove. ten could smell the various dishes she was making and it made him hungrier.

"i'm gonna go change out of my school clothes," johnny grabbed ten's hand and waved to his mother before leading ten to his room. 

"she's nice," ten smiled as he plopped down johnny's bed. "she reminds me of my aunt in thailand." 

"yeah, she's sweet." johnny took off his collared shirt with his school logo blazon on corner under the left collar and tossed it somewhere near his hamper. 

"what is she making?" the youger asked.

"they're korean dishes, i'm really bad at pronouncing them but-"

"i wanna hear you say them, you sound cute whe you speak korean." ten smiled mischievously.

"okay, one of them is jajangmyeon." johnny said. "that's the only one i can pronounce well." 

"is that the stuff you put in black sauce?"

"mhm, black bean sauce." johnny confirmed. he grabbed a tee shirt from his drawer and threw it on. he took off his pants and neatly folded them over his basket so they wouldn't wrinkle.

"johnny your ankle looks terrible," ten covered his mouth as he examined johnny's red and purple ankle.

"i get injuries all the time during practice, ten. it's fine. i'm gonna take an epsom salt bath and it'll feel fine in the morning." he put on a pair of jeans and closed his drawers. "but thank you for worrying about me." johnny walked over to his bed and gave ten a kiss on the forehead. he sat down and plugged his phone in. 

"did they drop the case yet?" johnny asked.

ten shook his head and sighed,"the detective said it's rare that there isn't enough evidence in a murder case."

"that can't be true considering the fact that so many people get away with it." 

"yeah, including me," ten mumbled. "taeyong thinks it has to do with the illuminati." he giggled. 

"taeyong is an idiot." johnny kissed ten on the nose and before he could stand up, ten pulled him closer to him to kiss him softly. they kissed for a few seconds until they were interrupted by mrs. seo's calls to come to the dinner table. 

"we'll finish that later." johnny smirked as he helped ten up. 

"what do you mean? like sex or-"

"if you want, i mean we don't have to." 

ten nodded and followed johnny to the kitchen. 

it's not like he was afraid to have sex — he's definitely not a stranger to it — he's just extremely insecure and that's one of the reasons why him and johnny haven't had sex yet even though they've been together for over a month. 

dinner went well and ten was almost certain he'd be bombarded with questions from mrs. seo but mostly him and johnny talked and told stories. ten felt comfortable and he was definitely satisfied with the food. mrs. seo reminds ten of a wise hippie who can always say the right things even in situations where there seems to be nothing right to say. that's where johnny gets so much of his compassion from. 

"what movie should we watch when i'm done my homework?" johnny asked as he opened his laptop and made room on his desk for his phone. his desk is filled with books about fulfilling the ultimate potential and books about the theory of human motivation. for a while, he's been obsessed with the hierarchy of needs by abraham maslow and he tries to figure out where he falls in the pyramid. johnny wants to reach the point where he's self actualized and he wants to live life knowing that he has everything he needs but he also doesn't want to rush it and become someone who peaks so early that they fail when they get older. ten finds johnny's fixation on reaching self actualization cute. 

"i don't know, i kind of wanted to watch a cooking show on netflix." ten shrugged.

"okay, i'll be done in a few minutes i just have to submit this dumb essay before my teacher has a stroke." 

"it's okay, take your time." 

ten scrolled through his phone as he wrapped himself in johnny's blanket. his warm, soft blanket that carried his scent. if there was one thing ten couldn't live without, it'd be the smell of his boyfriend who sometimes desperately needs a shower after going to the gym or soccer practice. ten doesn't know how he'll live without the privilege to wrap himself in johnny's blanket or indulge in his scent when he moves to maine. johnny reminds him all the time that he doesn't have to leave but it's what's best for him. 

they get into small arguments when ten is planning for his move to maine. johnny helps plan but will then get frustrated and ask ten why he can't just stay. 

"because i need to leave this constant reminder that i lived such a terrible life since my childhood." is what ten would say. 

johnny doesn't want to give up his scholarship. he can't give up the life he's living now even if it means the love of his life will be too far away from him. 

ten's past relationships were filled with so much abuse, anger, scars, and one sided love. but with johnny everything is so special and he doesn't want to lose that. he's thought about staying and trying to get a well paying job and encouraging johnny to get a job so they can rent an apartment together and live happily ever after but it's too unrealistic and ten doesn't want to risk slipping into a relationship where he becomes too infatuated with the person to the point where he allows himself to be used. 

"babe what are you thinking about?" johnny sighed, sitting beside ten and wrapped his arms around him. "you've been sitting there for the past 10 minutes staring blankly at my door."

"i love you so much, johnny." ten muttered. "i don't want to lose this special thing we have." 

"please stop thinking about maine, ten." 

"i can't help it. i feel like i'm making such a huge mistake because i'm leaving."

johnny held ten tighter,"you are doing what's best for you. i'm so glad you're not letting me decide what you want because it shows how strong and independent you are."

"stop," ten mumbled. "stop being so good and knowing what to say when i'm feeling doubtful." 

"i'm so in love with you, ten." 

how could ten let this go when he leaves? 

\------

johnny quietly turned the kitchen light on and grabbed a cup from the cabinet. he opened the fridge to take out the orange juice.

"johnny?" he heard. he turned around to see his mother walking into the kitchen with an empty wine glass in her hand. 

"hey, what's with the wine?"

"i was watching a movie and couldn't get through it without a drink." she set the glass down. "is ten asleep?" 

johnny nodded.

"keep him. keep him for as long as you can and embrace him forever," mrs. seo whispered into the dark kitchen as she poured johnny a glass of orange juice. "he's so troubled...i can see it. he deserves you and your affection, youngho. you deserve each other. one day you'll realize how much he has benefited to your well-being as much as you've benefited to his." 

"i already know he's benefiting to my well-being, mom. he's really special to me." the tall boy smiled. "i really want to be with him forever." 

"then do whatever you can to maintain a long lasting relationship with him, but just please make sure the feelings are mutual and he trusts you. i sense so much pain from him...he seems to not do very well in relationships." 

johnny nodded, taking a sip from the cold glass. "i will do everything to ensure he's happy." he smiled, as if it were a mission to love ten for as long as he can. 

"ok," she smiled warmly. "go to bed, you need your rest. i'll have breakfast for you and ten in the morning." 

\-------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive been SUPER SUPER inactive on here but im BACK since it's summer and all the fics i have will be updated finally so yay!


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